Welcome to the UK, please enjoy our 30 minute sky tour circling London.
Welcome to Heathrow airport, please enjoy the 20 minute tour of Terminal 3 and feel grateful that you didn’t land in terminal 5.
Welcome to Terminal 3, the escalator is broken but lugging your bag up the stairs will be a good warm-up for the 3.6 miles you still have to walk to get to immigration.
Welcome to Heathrow immigration, now that we are so friendly with Europe you can enjoy bonding with your European counterparts in the half-hour queue. If you are from outside the EU carry on through!
Welcome to the London Underground, when traveling, please purchase an Oyster card to avoid imminent bankruptcy and be thankful that you still have money in sterling.
Welcome to the Piccadilly line, please ignore the 10 minute unexplained pause in the middle of the tunnel- this is a perfect opportunity for you to put your makeup on.
Welcome to London Liverpool Street station, going somewhere? Who needs their life savings anyway?
Welcome to Ipswich, actually you’re probably not welcome around these parts, so get out quick
Welcome to Levington, Suffolk- take big cleansing breaths on a long march through the couuntryside in your wellies and then dunk digestive biscuits into the finest-made cup of PG-tips in the world and realise that you really do miss home after all.